Egression - Looking for that Feeling of Acceptance


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vcmagsino@hotmail.com

Coming to terms with being gay, not straight
Ok! Where to begin on this one? Honestly, coming out has been THE most difficult thing I have come to terms with. It was my deepest darkest secret for about 9 years. On January 1, 2003 I finally said to everybody, "Yes I'm gay!" I have been wanting to let this out for the longest time. I always thought there was something wrong with me. All my friends would always talk about women's tits and ass, but none would ever appeal to me. I would always just go with the flow.

I first discovered my preference towards guys when I was 15. I already knew I was gay at that time. Once I fully convinced myself at that time that I was gay. I thought I really had to hide it. Being Filipino-American it is especially hard since your parents always want you to meet a nice Filipino girl and marry her. Well, sorry mom and dad, I like white guys. 2 things: 1. Pretty much everybody knows that I'm gay except my parents. 2. yes my preference is only white guys. Anyways, I had to think quick being a big part of the Filiipino culture in Chicago. So I created a Vernon that everyone wanted me to portray. So I would go through high school going to dances with girls and stuff like that. I never had a girlfriend. When my friends would ask me if I thought that girl was hot. I would usually go sure, or yeah. Just to get him to move on to the next subject. I began to buld a mask of a person that I wasn't.

So college comes. I'm on my own now free to do whatever I want. However, since I became an important part of the Philippine Student Association and I joined Triangle Fraternity, I made tons of friends iin college. I was still denying my true identity. After looking back, I realized that I joined Triangle to show that I was a guy, thought maybe I could change that psyhological problem that I thought I had. I went on through college leading a double life, and it was killing me inside. When I moved to sacramento for a year, that was the first time I was actually free to explore my other side. In california, I didn't really know anybody so I explored my gay side a little bit, but not that much since I was afraid that someone would find out. I also made a lot of filipino friends there too and it ws cool. I actually met a girl there that had an interest in me but we mostly just hung out and stuff. So I come back to champaign leading my fake life.

SO HOW DID I CRACK AND GET TIRED OF MASKING MYSELF? HERE's THE STORY.....

College is over and I move back home. I go on for the next year just having fun and clubbing, usually going to Crobar since that was my favorite club. Then I got tired of clubbing Fall of 2001 so I chilled for almost a year, just mostly hanging out at home. So then Manny calls me up around my birthday in August 2002 out of the blue. I go sure I'll go out. I meet him up at Visions. It was my first time going out in months. So the following weeks I start hanging out with Manny again, going out on the weekends. On September 14, It's Manny's Birthday and it also happens to be the last night at Crobar and Nancy's Birthday; but Manny held his birthday at Visions. So I go to Manny's Birthday and chill with him for a while. So then Dewey and Marquita say they wanted to go to Crobar, (In my mind so did I). We try to convince Manny to go too, but he didn't want to come. So we say happy birthday to Manny and the 3 of us go to Crobar. At crobar, I meet up with Stephano, Jesse, Annette, Tony, Joe, Nancy, Jem, Juanito, Jane, Chris, June, and the rest of the Hampton group there all celebrating Nancy's Birthday. There I started to get to know Romeo (having met him the weekend before). We all go back to the Hamptions to hang out. There Romeo (who's gay) asks me if I was gay. Of course, my first response was NO! But in my head I was thinking (Oh Shit! he knows). Before becoming friends with Romeo, I never had a gay guy friend before (Only my cousin Rose, but she's a lesbian). So for the next few months I tried (even though I thought to myself he knew) to lead Romeo into thinking that I was straight. On the weekends I start hanging out with Stephano, Romeo, Jesse, Joe, Annette, Tony, Juanito, Nancy, Jem, and Joan (The Palatine Crew) In the course of the next month we move the hang out pad from Hamptons to Palatine. The Palatine crew, we hang out on the weekends, getting to know each other, becoming great friends.

So November 2nd, 2002 comes around and I meet the Palatine crew at Zentra for a Green Velvet concert. I had to meet them up there cause i had to work til 10 that night. So I get there and Romeo intoduces me to his friend Randy who was also gay. In my mind I think to myself "What a great looking guy!" So from that point I started to get to know Randy. For the next month, the Palatine group hangs out on the weekends as always with Randy as the new addition to our group. Randy and I hit it off from the beginning and we start becoming great friends. Ok in the beginning of December, I started to have the biggest crush on Randy, and I started to become more "obvious" As the month of December progressed Randy and I became closer and closer friends.

So It's December 25th, 2002 Christmas Day. For some reason it was the day I wanted Randy to know my true identity, cause after hanging out with him, he made it seem ok for a guy to be gay. So My family and I go to church as usual. When we get back from church. Vince, Rose, and Vergil ask me to go with them to Jeanette's Parents for a Christmas party there, while Vic, Pam, and Chris Saquido ask me to go with them to watch Lord of the Rings: Two Towers. So in the end I opt to go watch the movie. They tell me that they are watching the movie at AMC Barrington. I remembered that Randy wasn't doing anything that day, so I call him up and ask him if he wants to watch the movie with us, he goes "sure". So we meet up with Randy at the front of the theater. So I introduce Randy to Vic, Pam, and Chris. Apparently Vic made a comment that I didn't pick up but Randy heard. Vic said, "Who is that, your date?" (To backtrack, somehow Vic and Pam already had knew about me). I don't remember Vic making that comment, but that's when Randy started questioning about me. So we watched the movie and then went home. Randy goes over to Palatine for the Christmas Party. I was at my house for the Christmas Party here, and Eugene and Liz come over. So after chillin there, Eugene and I head to Palatine to see what's going on over there. We get there and everyone is already drunk. Right when I got there Randy me pulled me into Joan's room and we started talking just about different things. Through the course of the night as we are getting more plastered Randy noticed obvious signs from me, I was trashed by then. For example, when he was talking to Nancy on the phone, I was laying on his stomach (talk about obvious!) So then at that point Randy HAD to know the truth. As the night progressed and we became more and more trashed, Randy and I get to talking and at one point Randy asks me to give him a quick kiss.......so I did..... (ok, my first reaction was to look around to see if ANYONE saw that cause we were in the living room...I don't think anyone did) At the point Randy knew for sure... So later that night, Randy asks me again for a quick kiss, and I did it again...and this time i think someone else saw. Pretty much I think everyone there at the party knew by then...but still at that point I hadn't told a soul. So the party dwindles down and everyone leaves or falls asleep except Randy, Joan, and I. Soon then Joan falls asleep. At that point Randy asks me as we are sitting in the dining room. "Are you......?" In response, I go "I have a secret for you." Right when I said that, I felt like a rock just fell off my shoulder. Randy was the first person I ever openly told that I was gay. So Randy and I then have a deep conversation about the whole thing, It was the best talk I ever had in my life. After talking for a while we grow tired and go into Joan.s room to take a nap. We fall asleep with me hugging Randy. Ok while we were asleep, I remember people walking into the room, and seeing us and then turning around and walking out. At that point everyone knew for sure about me, previously they had been skeptical.. Ok so it's the day after Christmas and Randy drops me off at my house. So we are in my driveway and we give a quick kiss goodbye. Once I get into the house, my mom comes up to me and aske me, "Is your friend gay?" and I go yeah. But she never at that point asked about me. (I think she was shocked by the whole thing, cause I guess she happened to be looking out the window at that point).

Ok so at that point only Randy knew, so for the following days before New Year's, the Palatine Group one by one started coming up to me and asking me about my identity, cause by this point they all know I had that crush on Randy. And I started getting tired of any rumors starting, so one by one, I told them everything. First Joan, then Stephano, then Nancy and Jem, and so forth. So for the few days between Christmas and New Years I talk to Randy about me and I come to the conclusion that New Year's I was gonna tell everybody. Coming out was gonna be my so called New Year's resolution or rather Revelation. All this time, I don't think Randy knew how much I liked him.

So New Year's Eve comes and I all ready to say my peace. I made Randy stick with me while I told everybody. So it's about 11:55 PM. I go to Pam and tell her, she is happy for me. So I go to my brother Vic and tell him as well. He snaps for a bit, Joan calms him down, but in the end he's ok with it as well. Midnight strikes and I tell everybody that was with me about who I really was, It was THE GREATEST feeling. I never felt so much better in my life. After partying for a little bit getting more drunk, Randy and I call up Eugene to tell him but I had to leave a message. From that day forth I vowed to tell at least one person per day.

So the weeks go by as Randy and I become best of friends, I was able to crush the crush (Thanks Steve), and Randy and I are now better than best of friends. (And to EVERYONE's misconception, we are not going out, our friendship means so much more). He has helped me through everyhing coming out into the gay community. Everything I have become since I came out, I owe to him. He and Romeo have both welcomed me and introduced me into the gay community to the point that now I am comfortable living in it. I haven't been more happier than I ever was. Now I am way more open than I ever was, with nothing left to hide. This deep dark secret I have been hiding, is no longer a secret. I went through the biggest turning point in my life yet. My only concern now, as of July 16, 2003 is that I haven't told my parents yet. All my brothers know. I'm POSITIVE my mom know, cause she has confronted me about it twice already, but I didn't have the time to tell her at the time. My dad I don't think he has a clue yet, and am really afraid of what he will think. But nowadays I am SOOOO happy now, I can go to gay clubs with no worries. With the help of Manny, Randy, Romeo, Steve, and everyone else, I can now be exactly who I am with nothing to hide, thank you everyone for your support.

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